Recently Kerry and I were having a heart-to-heart talk and catching up on her first year at college. The conversation was going well when she surprised me with this statement, “Mom, when you tease me about . . . I don’t like it. So I don’t bring . . .up to you.”

Wow. Her words hurt because I never want to hurt my girls or do anything to hinder our relationship. But unknowingly I was hindering our relationship and had been for quite a while. If Kerry had not said something I would have continued to make the issue between us bigger.

As parents we can be clueless as to how we are coming across to our kids. That’s why we need to give them permission to say the hard thing to us—no matter their age—14 to 40. This can be scary, especially if you think you’re child has a laundry list of things you do to create tension in the relationship.  But by creating an honest, open channel for communication we are building a relationship with our kids that will last a lifetime.

 

• Begin with prayer. Ask God to show you anything that you do or say (now or in the past) that has been hurtful to your child.
• Arrange a time to talk with your child. State what you’ve done wrong, apologize, and tell him you will do your best to not repeat that behavior.
• Now for the hard part. Lay aside your pride. Ask your child what else may be between her and you. She may have lots of pent up emotion so be ready. Let her share her feelings and possibly her pain. It will be painful for you too, but remember, you’re the parent—the more mature one. Don’t be defensive. Listen. Tell her how sorry you are. Ask how you can make the situation better. Listen more. Let her know you will do your best to change, but you will not be perfect.

These conversations are not easy. As we practice honest, loving communication our relationship grows stronger and safer. These types of conversations become less and less necessary. The hard work at the beginning pays off over our lifetime.

 

Endnote: This blog was posted with Kerry’s permission.

Brenda Garrison is an author and speaker who empowers women with the confidence to live their calling. Brenda is currently pursuing a Bachelor of Science Degree in Ministry Leadership with a Concentration in Women’s Ministry at Moody Bible Institute. She and her husband, Gene, are the parents of three young adult daughters and live near Metamora, IL.