Once while taking questions from a group of young moms, a young mom asked about enrolling her eight-month old baby in classes—swimming, music, etc. She had been advised to give her baby a head start or he would fall behind. This young mom was concerned she could be hurting her child’s future. A few moms giggled, but she was serious.

As parents we often don’t know what to be concerned about and when to relax. Yes, every aspect of our kids’ lives is not something to be made into an issue. Understanding the difference is key to building a healthy, lifelong relationship with our kids and effective parenting.

Once while explaining this principle to a group of parents, I told the story of a parent punishing a teen for an accidental burp at the table. One dad exclaimed, “Burping! That’s a competition at our house!” This dad knew that within the context of the family’s meal time a burp was not a bad decision and definitely not worthy of discipline.

Let’s unpack a few types of decisions and gain vital parenting perspective.

Preferences—Preferences are just that—preferences. Truly they are not right or wrong. They’re just different to each person’s personality and, well, preference. The problem is as parents we tend to freak out when our kid shows her preferences and they are different from ours.

• Your kindergartner wants to wear pink every day of the week. What! That craziness! There must be something amiss with her!
• Your daughter wants to streak her hair purple. What will the people at church think?!
• Your son wants to work a year before/if he goes to college. Doesn’t he know he’s messing with the plan?!

These are all preferences. Not right. Not wrong. No harm done.

Foolishness—Foolishness is an unwise decision. It’s something that doesn’t make good sense. We should expect it in our kids. We were foolish and the Bible states, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child” (Proverbs 22:15). As a mature adult you can see the forthcoming consequences. You try to advise but your teen/young adult child won’t listen. It’s foolishness. But is it worth damaging your relationship with your child over? Some things are best learned by experience. Maybe you will be a more effective parent by being there for your child after the consequences happen.

Immoral—These are decisions that are against the direct commands of God. This category includes any sexual relationship outside of marriage, pornography, lying, cheating, etc.

Illegal—These decisions are against the law of the land and many times against the law of God as well.

Parents, in light of these categories give an accurate assessment of what type of decisions your kids are making. If you feel your perspective might be skewed, talk with other parents. Also I have found the next generation younger than me helpful in gaining perspective. For me the late thirty-somethings still remember what it’s like to be a teen or young adult and they understand adulthood and maybe parenthood. Their insights have been helpful to me to gain perspective when I would have liked to freak out.

Now what would be a more appropriate response to your child’s decision? By responding appropriately you build relationship. And without relationship you have nothing—no way to help, no way to influence, no way to hold the door open to God for your child.

Read more about when your kids make decisions you don’t agree with in my new book, Love No Matter What.

Brenda Garrison is an author and speaker who empowers women with the confidence to live their calling. Brenda is currently pursuing a Bachelor of Science Degree in Ministry Leadership with a Concentration in Women’s Ministry at Moody Bible Institute. She and her husband, Gene, are the parents of three young adult daughters and live near Metamora, IL.