Once upon a time there was a well-adjusted empty-nest mom. Every day she worked on her writing, visited with friends, and encouraged and supported her grown kids and husband as needed. One day one of her daughters had a baby. Because of that the well-adjusted empty-nest mom was drawn under the spell of the little baby boy. She was not prepared for the intense love she would have for the little boy. In the blink of an eye he had found his place snuggled up in her heart. She loved caring for him, even when it meant cleaning up his messes and even when the mess was on her new sofa. When she didn’t get to see him she was shocked by how much she missed him.

 

Yep, that’s pretty much me. I was not prepared to experience the same type of feelings towards my little grandson as I did when Kerry went to college. The feelings of joy when being with them. Missing them intensely when they were not here. Missing being her mom every day. Feelings of contentment knowing I was made to be her mom and his Gramms.

I had worked hard to become the well-adjusted empty-nest mom. I thought I was doing well. How I was blind-sided by these emotions once again?!

I went into this grandparenting thing with the mindset to help and assist my daughter and son-in-law. I didn’t want to be in the way, but give them room to be their own family. I wanted to help but let them figure out their own way of doing life with their son. I went in with the intention of being one of the stage crew, not the main act. I was and am happy with the role of stage crew.

But that little guy stirred up “Grammy” love that I didn’t realize I had. I was totally not prepared to be so drawn into his little life. Truly I am under the spell of his toothless-grin.

If I continued to write the story I began, I would include an ending something like—

“Until finally, the fairy godmother to Grammy’s came to visit this Grammy. She brought her a little vial of a light blue liquid. “Drink this and you will be free of your heart aching when you are not with that little boy.”

The Grammy thought about it. Wouldn’t it be nice to not miss him?

 But there is no antidote for “Grammy love.” Even if there were, no grandparent would take it. We like being under the spell of our grandkids. So how does a well-adjusted mom stay well-adjusted? We go back to one of the foundational principles in parenting—

It’s not about us. It’s not about us getting our feel-good fix in taking care of or being with our kids or grandkids. It’s not bad to enjoy our families, but they are a blessing, not our identity.

A friend recently shared with me a quote she heard by Andy Stanley. “The way you know if you have done your job as a parent is if you have raised responsible, independent adults and they want to come home to visit.” (Paraphrased)

(Disclaimer here—I know from my research for Love No Matter What that even the best parents have kids who do not do either of these.)

But this is our goal—raising kids who are responsible and independent and still want to see us from time to time.

The goal must remain the same when our kids are grown and have their own families. We are to assist in the raising of our grandkids to be responsible and independent and want to visit us from time to time. We are not to be in the way of the parents, but to be their support staff—helping in whatever ways are truly helpful.

Too often parents and grandparents make the parenting/grandparenting about them—what they want, what makes them happy and feel needed, when it’s convenient for them to help. But it’s not about us. It’s about being the parent/grandparent who blesses her kids.

So if I were to re-write the ending of the story it would read—

Until finally, the not-so-well adjusted mom realized she would not trade being under the little boy’s spell for anything. She loved being under his spell. She broke the vial of antidote. Then she gave her love of the little boy into the care of her heavenly Father so He could help her use it wisely, to bless and help.

 

 

Brenda Garrison is an author and speaker who empowers women with the confidence to live their calling. Brenda is currently pursuing a Bachelor of Science Degree in Ministry Leadership with a Concentration in Women’s Ministry at Moody Bible Institute. She and her husband, Gene, are the parents of three young adult daughters and live near Metamora, IL.