I will start by honestly telling you I give my kids plenty of opportunities to offer me forgiveness. I mess up as a mom on a regular basis. My kids look into the eyes of a cranky, impatient woman and feel like she can’t be pleased. The perfect storm for the need for forgiveness.

But what about the times our kids mess up? For whatever reason—insecurity, fear, frustration, selfishness, and a thousand other emotions—they offend, misbehave, hurt others, and drive us crazy. Do we readily forgive them?

When Katie and Kelsey were about five and three they had the chicken pox—one after the other. This meant we were quarantined at home for a couple of weeks. On one particular day I felt it was more important to “get something done” than play with the girls so I went outside to paint the window trim. The girls soon followed and I came unglued on them. Why? Because I valued my agenda over being the mom they needed at the moment. At the time the thought of forgiving them didn’t cross my mind. But it needed to. Without purposefully forgiving them my patience with them grew shorter. Each time they disobeyed or acted like children I added it on to the list of trespasses. The longer the list, the shorter my patience.

What about when one of your kids consistently picks on his brother or sister? Does each offense eat away at your patience with your child? Until you deal with the offense and address your child’s heart attitude, and then forgive the offending child your patience with your child will continue to decrease. And your child is smart enough to sense this. He knows when there’s something between you and him. Unless you forgive, your child will continue to sense a biased against him. It will be a hurt to him. It will continue to feed whatever is driving him to hurt his sibling, be disrespectful, disobey, etc.

The need to forgive grows as our kids grow into teens, young adults, and adults. Our kids are going to make decisions we don’t like. Sometimes those decisions are foolish, morally wrong, or illegal. If we let their decisions pile up, they will form a wall between us and our kids. I don’t think I ever mention the word forgiveness in Love No Matter What: When Your Kids Make Decisions You Don’t Agree With. But it is the essence of the message of book and it is the essence of our relationships with our kids. Before we can show them love we must first forgive them. When we don’t forgive, they will sense a harshness, distance, and rejection from us. As a result their hearts towards us and any positive effect we will have in their lives is hardened.

In my journey with Katie, I learned to forgive. I learned to let her deal with her consequences. And as she and the circumstances allowed, I walked with her through them. I encouraged and supported her. It was one way I showed her love and acceptance.

Showing love no matter what holds the door open for relationship with our kids. Forgiveness is the key that opens that door. Without forgiveness the door stays shut and locked.

Forgiveness doesn’t excuse or rescue your kids from the consequences of their wrongdoing. But forgiveness doesn’t see their sin. Instead forgiveness sees the precious child. Every child needs and wants their parents’ love and acceptance. Forgiveness makes the way for us to give that love and acceptance.

If you don’t forgive your kids, they will sense it. It will be the wedge between them and you. It will keep your relationship from growing. As I said previously, it will be a hurt to your child. One from which they may never heal.

I’m an imperfect mom who continually gives my kids reason to forgive me. Forgiveness is part of the rhythm of relationship. It’s the fruit of love. Because I love my kids, I forgive. Because God loves and forgives me, I forgive.

 

Brenda Garrison is an author and speaker who empowers women with the confidence to live their calling. Brenda is currently pursuing a Bachelor of Science Degree in Ministry Leadership with a Concentration in Women’s Ministry at Moody Bible Institute. She and her husband, Gene, are the parents of three young adult daughters and live near Metamora, IL.